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Strayed

I will readily admit that I love planning. I love coming up with lists, planning each situation down to the most minute of details, wishing to avoid the unexpected, or worse, the possibility that I am unprepared.

I wish that I can say that I carry out my plans faithfully. But life the lazy mentality kicks in and suddenly, I don’t get quite bothered to care. Or rather, I just leave it to “Fate”. It is not that I don’t believe in Fate or that I am a proponent of making your own fate, but sometimes, you just can’t run from bad luck. I do believe that it is possible to change your circumstances, but the issue of timing/place/your environment plays such a huge role, we are really just like small ants struggling to find our way back to the nest.

I have always thought that teaching was THE path for me. Actually, I went into teaching knowing that I wanted to be a principal, like my primary school principal. But sometimes, the people whom power is entrusted to aren’t necessarily the right people. Also, it is already an uphill task of trying to survive in the very same institution where we impart skills and knowledge to people in order for them to survive in the real world. In the real world, people can get devoured like a tasty red velvet cupcake. I have strayed from the ideal path that I had set out since I was 16. In more ways than one, I have failed myself, but at the same time, gained so much more than the joy that I would have got when I achieved my goal.

What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

I was thinking about this when a friend of mine expressed her regrets that she didn’t do well enough to be accepted into all these prestigious universities that made her provisional offers prior to the release of the A level results. I have so many friends, classmates who managed to get to where I can never follow, a local university. Yet, most of them might end up just like me, sitting under the glare of fluorescent light bulbs in an office, typing away for days on end. The corporate ladder is difficult to scale when you are trying to juggle caring for your parents, attention and dates with the significant other and possibly screaming children in five years’ time. When do we stop settling? Or are we content with our personal achievements in life, with a job that provides income and just going through the motions day to day.

When we have strayed from our path, is it ever possible to go back again? Things will never be the same. You are not the person that you used to be a minute ago. For many, the idea of youth meant boundless energy to chase after your dreams. Without dreams, one cannot be said to be living. But why is it that for most, their dreams involve grades/jobs/money? It will be very romantic to say that your dream doesn’t involve any of the above, but what else? Some people have dreams larger than Life and spend their entire lives chasing after said dreams. When do we know when to give up? When Life’s obligations turn up at our doorstep?

I have planned my path for the next 5 years of my life (up till January 2018 that is). But what if something else turns up? Or if I cannot stay on this path? I won’t be quite so melodramatic to say that my whole life would come crashing down upon me, but it will be an inconvenience. Yep.

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